I started blogging because I was bored.
Then it became a way to chronicle Amara's life.
And for a time, it was an outlet for me during my Mom's last days. Cancer. Brain tumors. Hospice. Grief.
I just always write about things I know, whether anyone's reading or not.
Recently a friend told me she thought I had created a second persona. Like having a split personality. Perhaps not intentionally but as a way to shield myself from heartache. Or rejection. Or deep sadness.
Happy thoughts are easier to write about.
She said there is the Mom2Amara who attends Friday night football games, chit chatting with the other parents and cheering on the team. This is the same "persona" whom she says tweets, blogs, and Facebooks updates she thinks others will like.
Then there's me. The true Mom2Amara that cried at the end of the Great Food Truck Race because Hodge Podge was so close to winning it all. The one that doesn't sleep through the night because life isn't going the way she had planned.
Consequently, I find myself blogging less often. Because if I try to direct my writing towards a different direction, I feel I'm offering up a bit too much of my life. Or at least more than I'm willing to share. It's just where my present world sits.
So maybe I do have two personas.
But doesn't everyone?
Not everyone wants to destroy their white picket fence notions and air their dirty laundry, right? Very Stepford, I think. Well minus me being mindless or drop dead gorgeous. You get the picture.
I initially thought writing this post would help me understand my role as a "mom who blogs." But now I realize it's this random stream of consciousness. And it's made me more confused about who I am as a blogger.
How do you see yourself online? Are you who you say you are?
Monday, September 26, 2011
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6 comments :
I think this reflects my feelings for my own blog perfectly. When I first started it was to keep family updated on our life. Then to get me through demands of being a "single" parent when my husband was traveling non-stop. Now like, well, it's just not going the way I want entirely, but I don't want to share those details online. Thus, my blog is left abandoned more often than not. I want to blog, but not about what is truly important in my life right now.
Looks like we're in the same boat, my friend.
It's ok if your "real" life or even parts are not ready for prime time or public sharing.
My online persona is surprisingly more reserved and less candid - for whatever reason I'm gun shy online. Go figure. That said my little blog was/is for out of state family to keep up with us. When D was younger, I was more eager to update and now I'm not as diligent in providing updates.
I tend to blog about the good stuff in our life, some bad but i don't think most want to read about that. I don't care to share deep thoughts so I guess I have a different online persona. Also, I'm not as frequent with my posts as of late b/c I don't really know why.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that often feels reserved when blogging. I used to think I was an open book when it came to my life - and I still believe if you came to me IRL, I would divulge more than you ever needed to know. But right now, the open book policy doesn't fit with my life. Maybe it will again one day.
I"m struggling with blogging these days too. When I first started it wasn't necessarily to share anything about my kids but more to make people think. I don't know why I am not motivated to do that any longer. It's very strange. I just did a huge blog re do and I'm bummed that i"m not motivated to say more. Hopefully that will change over time.
So I know I'm about 6 months behind on this, but...I started out being me when I blogged, but, as more people I knew personally started following, especially Husband's family, the more I keep in. I find it therapeutic to write and then delete though. Makes me feel like I shared and got it off my chest.
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